hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
