I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
