Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
