Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
