I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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