the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
