my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Life is so much better after having sex.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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