ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
