everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
