Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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