as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
