Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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