I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
