Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
