Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
