I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
