My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize