I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
