Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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