my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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