I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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