dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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