It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
