I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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