I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
