Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
