The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
