Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
