Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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