Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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