I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
3pm strippers are depressing
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
