I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Found the puke drawer
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
