Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
