I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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