I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
