Please, let me fuck your mom
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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