I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
