bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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