When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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