Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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