these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
