My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
