I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
