don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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