I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
