My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
