I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
