My liver just broke up with me...
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
