i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
