i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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