Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
