Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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