Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
