help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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