Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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