im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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