My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
