I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
